Matrix

Haikus and their relation to limits

Waves run frothy cold

ever continuously

words escape me

Some may argue that poetry is a lost art form designated to serve penance in classroom-setting hell. While that might be the methodical approach for many, to me, Poetry holds intrinsic value; spanning past the slobber covered page, and spoken out of the mouth’s of great visionaries and humble poets.

Haikus, for example don’t proclaim artistry from being “revolutionary” in it’s diction or with explicit meaning alone. What makes a haiku beautiful, is that it is able to operate under a certain structure of limitations. Precisely a verse of 3 lines, consisting of five syllables, seven syllables, then five syllables.Those limitations are perhaps the essence of it’s beauty. The nature of a haiku often times can transcend reality and hone into a simple experience that possess profound implications that could be applied to life. In other words, working with what you have, and not from what you lack.

The haiku I had written about the ocean gave way into how I look at the world more or less. The first line actualizes being with the ocean, the waves seem to chase me as to take me. The second line frames the waves disposition, and the third line conveys how the ability to describe the experience has left me speechless, leaving me unable to fully escape the grip of an ever-going tide. But when I visit the beach and look upon the vast blue body of water, there is no single feeling of disheartment, I do not perceive a dark unfamiliar abiss, all I have is hope, and all I feel is wonder.

So when I am asked about creativity I think in lines of poetry. More than just words, they have meaning, and it is meaning that I give, that give poetry its power. There are hindrances I cannot control in this world, they could be seen as limitations but they do not exactly limit me. Within the parameters of my mind I am able to empower myself, seeing the beauty in the world despite all the chaos and unjust.

Loisfoeribari

“For Estefani Lora, Third Grade, Who Made Me a Card” written by Aracelis Girmay

Elephant on an orange line, underneath a yellow circle
meaning sun.
6 green, vertical lines, with color all from the top
meaning flowers.
*
The first time I peel back the 5 squares of Scotch tape,
unfold the crooked-crease fold of art class paper,
I am in my living room.
It is June.
Inside of the card, there is one long word, & then
Estefani’s name:
Loisfoeribari
Estefani Lora
*
Loisfoeribari?
*
Loisfoeribari: The scientific, Latinate way of saying hibiscus.
*
Loisforeribari: A direction, as in: Are you going
North? South? East? West? Loisfoeribari?
*
I try, over & over, to read the word out loud.
Loisfoeribari. LoISFOeribari.
LoiSFOEribari. LoisFOERibARI.
*
What is this word?
I imagine using it in sentences like,
“Man, I have to go back to the house,
I forgot my Loisfoeribari.”
or
“There’s nothing better than rain, hot rain,
open windows with music, & a tall glass
of Loisfoeribari.”
or
“How are we getting to Pittsburgh?
Should we drive or take the Loisfoeribari?”
*
I have lived 4 minutes with this word not knowing
what it means.
*
It is the end of the year. I consider writing my student,
Estefani Lora, a letter that goes:
To The BRILLIANT Estefani Lora!
Hola, querida, I hope that you are well. I’ve just opened the card that you made me, and it is beautiful. I really love the way you filled the sky with birds. I believe that you are chula, chulita, and super fly! Yes, the card is beautiful. I only have one question for you. What does the word ‘Loisfoeribari’ mean?
*
I try the word again.
Loisfoeribari.
Loisfoeribari.
Loisfoeribari.
*
I try the word in Spanish.
Loisfoeribari
Lo-ees-fo-eh-dee-bah-dee
Lo-ees-fo-eh-dee-bah-dee
& then, slowly,
Lo is fo e ri bari
Lo is fo eribari
*
love is for everybody
love is for every every body love
love love everybody love
everybody love love
is love everybody
everybody is love
love love for love
for everybody
for love is everybody
love is forevery
love is forevery body
love love love for body
love body body is love
love is body every body is love
is every love
for every love is love
for love everybody love love
love love for everybody
loveisforeverybody

My AP Literature teacher shared this poem with me, and I neglected to get to it til now. She wrote it down on a neon pink sticky note which I inevitably lost to the great void. However the note reappeared somehow, and although I stared at the words for a good two minutes, I have to admit that I did not know what I was reading. First I thought it was in another language, perhaps multiple poem suggestions in one. I wondered whether my teacher was sending a secret code. Alas the poem was in English and it was singular.

The poem is beautiful and slightly deviant of traditional syntax.

In this poem Aracelis Girmay writes to her a own student, a response to a gift that was given to her from Estefani. Like me, she had trouble deciphering what the words meant, the exchange seems so simple and straight forward in the beginning. Then Girmay interrogates the word, “Loisfoeribari.” She tries saying it out loud and using it in sentences. But nothing adds up, until it comes to her like divine revelation almost, and the word “Loisfoeribari” begins to transcend denotation. The use of phonetics further emphasize the impact words so simple had on Girmay. I think for the writer, the poem was supposed to speak upon the exchange between people, and how often times there is deeper intent then what is initially led on. Estefani probably did not intend to be a philosophic mastermind, but it was the process; the breakdown that Girmay experienced that made the word “Loisfoeribari” so profound. Even when she repeats the the same phrase, the notion behind it is ineffable.

It was difficult for me to analyze, but easy for me to feel, to feel the feeling of love and the revelations of what love had to offer. very meta

thank you Ms. T.

*

Passivity: the bane of human existence

“Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies” Friedrich Nietzsche(1844-1900). The social proclivity to stray away from questioning one’s learned beliefs–let alone act upon shroud moral inclination, is highly suggestive to the fact that most people opt to avoid the opposition. One may argue that this mechanism for being derives from a place of seeking order and familiarity in a vast world that seemingly was imposed on us since birth. From the moment of first breathe, absolute autonomy had been denied from the vulnerable individual. Leaving them forced to rely on a higher power ie the thing; the essence to that which was in close proximity(in this case the mother) for survival..

Perhaps if we were turtles we would be better equipped to handle the afflictions of life. The Sea Turtle is thrust into the world like a human being, but that is where commonality comes to a halt. Recognizing, as to know that they fall prey to natural selection, as newborns they quickly acclimate into the breath of the unknown, relying only upon themselves to reunite with their lost kin in the open ocean. That is their reality, and conceivably their nature, to be fiercely independent. In comparison, human babies act in accordance to reactionary terms. Our predisposition is to react and then adopt what is most convenient, similar to the actions in which allowed self-preservation as infants.

One does not assert that they intrinsically know, but rather relatively adopt a way in which best aligns with their current understanding. Thus, internalizing an adopted paradigm and presenting that as their law. This is the kind of functionality that gave birth to religious dogma and even to some extent the knowledge gained through philosophical reasoning. Both serve as a designation toward the means of higher truth, whether it be written in sacred scripture or pondered by great modern thinkers. So the assumption that there is a definitive method that is more “reliable” than the other is a faulty claim to authority, when taking into account the human psyche. Like most general beliefs, truth lay victim to the relentless claws of subjectivity.

However, this sort of conclusion is painful for many and frankly presents itself to be threatening to those who have woven the fabric of their religion into an absolute reality. In the context of Modern-Day America, religion now transcends the narrative of a hippy dippy metaphysical idea of a God-like power, and into the realm of an ethos governed by the propositions of “Justice” and identity politics. Cultus that now include the persecution of anyone who threatens a certain ideal, while aggressively retweeting a post that coincides to the individual’s agenda. This attempt to power and call to significance does not delineate far from the kind demonstrated within the confines of historic context. Religiously powerful groups, authoritative rulers and whole governments seemed to all go to violent extremities to uphold their beliefs and enforce a kind of ideological manipulation. Thus misrepresenting faith and replacing it with a psychological protocols of being.

Seeming all too sinister, one has to wonder if the prerogative was truly world domination they were after, or just a sick hunger for false gratification in the form of control. Soren Kierkegaard(1813-1855) had noted that “people demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use” The desire to be acknowledged, to be heard, and to be accepted is so potent in the hearts of man. That the pursuit of truth is easily bypassed by the pursuit in affirming one’s place in the world. Indeed it is the underlying nuance of an existential crisis that really sear at the fragile ego.

By proclaiming conceptual objectivity to one’s beliefs, one is able to avoid the despondency of not understanding the nature of reality in the first place. The act of interpreting one’s reality does not necessarily possess malintent nor is it unjustifiable. (Forgive me for the rhetoric) But what is the true value of life, if the life lived is out of ignorance? Devoid of purpose or direction, the lost soul may misconstrue a paved path as a means to their own destination, all the while missing the signs alluding to a dead end. Out of all people, Nietzsche would understand the extent to which ignorant bliss facilitates. In his words, “Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.” Friedrich Nietzsche often held a tone of remorse to his claims on existing. His life was full of strife and ended in travesty. Yet he stands to be one of the most prolific philosophers of this time and demonstrates the human capacity to transcend expectations of passivity and of being subject to the at the whims of society. And so the philosopher’s plight of becoming becomes everso increasingly convoluted.

In moments of dire straits where the collective alters into that who succumb and thrive upon deception, that is where philosophical reasoning comes into high contention. That is when it is needed the most. Not as an answer to some kind of divine intervention. But a crux that allows us to analyze our inner humanistic capacity for resilience and change. This is significant to the present day zeitgeist because to know is to have power, and the power wielded by the one who possesses will dictate future outcomes..

guide to lonerism

“To deny ones impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human”

I don’t know about you but it is very tempting to want to belong. Humans as a species thrive off companionship as a means of security, and I think in a lot of ways having a partner, or a group, or a collective entity of sorts solidify our mortality. This dynamic is reaffirming to our place in the world. I would even go as far to suggest that the greatest feeling a naturally social creature can experience, isn’t that of sexual gratification or other hedonistic exploits. It is about that feeling of certainty, that external justification of one’s existence. . .

Since we live in a world full of relation and connectivity, this sort of connection that we hold with others or even to an idea, offers a safeguard to the insecurity that we all share. That death is imminent and to live, is to belong to something, brownie points if you belong to someone else.

So, what if you choose differently? What if a circumstance has prevented you from making those connections? From personal experience, the backlash is unutterably unavoidable. You either feel ostracized in group functions or you are inadvertently criticized by the people around you. However, what I’d like to assume is that their reaction is not a direct response to your lack of, but a reactionary turn to their own fears of being alone.

Confronting the existential dread of being a l o n e can be a daunting experience for some, especially when that need for connection is such an integral part in being human.

So in this guide I’ll give you some insight in how I went about dealing with this mess. As a disclaimer, the guide is not at all a ‘f*ck society”type of thing, but more about being content with yourself, and channeling your energy to find solace in solitude.

UNPLUGGING

When I decided to delete my social media I was at the crux of my social anxiety. I never really considered myself to be asocial. Perhaps a bit socially awkward, but in a charmingly endearing way… regardless, around this time, I noticed I became transfixed on how people perceived me to be. I would actually care about the likes that I got and how many followers I had, I tried to emulate the “insta baddies” that I had seen, and would be disappointed by the results I delivered. It was a very nasty cycle which often wasn’t as discernible as I’m making it out to be now. These feelings were subtle, but they built up, and slowly chipped at my self-esteem and time. Until finally I asked myself, “who am I trying to impress and why am I following all these people who offer no real benefit to my life” When I took myself away from that platform, and observed it objectively, apps like Instagram and Snapchat seemed absurd. It felt like one of those pursuits that were never-ending; all the while fleeting in it’s wake. The reward was like a bump of coke. The experience was like having road-rage during rush hour, but replace rage with feelings of inadequacy. And even more, it aggravated me how my friends were able to take time to curate their posts and not answer my calls when I tried to catch up. You see, social media is a teenage norm and skill set people are required to have, if you don’t show a picture of your face, food, ass, or meme you basically won’t be in the loop.

ADJUSTING

One of the perks of social media is the ability for information to spread. Part of me felt like I was maybe missing out on something. But more often then not, the people I cared for and who cared for me, ended up debriefing their life’s and the things they found interesting in person. Even still, I’ve missed out on some events, so a good thing to note is to have a person let you know whats going on, (usually they are advocates of the event so they would be glad to spread the word) perhaps this lack of knowing gives you good motive to find out for yourself, increasing your likelihood to search for opportunities and to take risks.

ADAPTING

My anxiety was only perpetuated when I used my phone as a scapegoat for my problems. When I took the bus, or was in a social situation that I didn’t want to be in, I chose to look down at my phone. I’m sure the reader has experienced this sort of awkward circumstance. Maybe not out of avoidance but in place to just take up time. It was clear that the phone wasn’t the inherent problem, but it was my inability to embrace the tension that I had conjured in my mind. I must look so weird just staring off doing nothing. waiting for the thing to happen, let me look busy. I’m a firm believer in embracing traits that speak to the human condition, rather then to deny or muttle them in anyway. So in order for me to get over being judged that I was alone, I embraced it. Now when get on a bus, I don’t hold the inclination to reach for my phone.

INTROSPECTION

The process of introspection involves looking into ones’ self and examining ones’ actions. We look for constant validation through the work that we do and the people we interact with. Even if our efforts do not constitute as tangible framework for exchange. The identity that we cling to seems to be a statement within itself, a statement to the world, that we yearn for people to accept. In short, it is a mind thing, if you master your mind you’ll be master of your fate and the world around you. I will get into this concept in a later blog..

REDIRECTING

In just being with yourself, you’ll notice that you have a substantial amount of time on your hands, hopefully even a little more mental space. Lonerism in no way implies shutting yourself out from the world and becoming a cyclical hermit. At most, this endeavor would make you more of a social recluse. Because instead of caring what others thought, you’ll redirect that energy and put it into how you conduct your own life on your terms. I guess you could say it’s about priorities. From personal experience, even though the priority is about me, I try to be too self-indulgent and focus on how I could make a difference within my community and to my personal intellect. Those are my priorities, but yours could be anything from animal activism, to helping out family without expectation of reward. Having your hobbies less about you and more about how you could contribute to a process. This pursuit has led me to so many opportunities and actually has helped me find my interests outside of a traditionally social framework. I’ve found that by doing this, depth and complexity has been added to my life in a way I couldn’t have gotten with the expense of another person.

TO SUM UP

I think Kelly Clarkson said it best when she said “it doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”

I have never written a guide to anything, neither do I feel that much qualified to tell you how to live and conduct your life. I simply pose my interpretation on things and thought it would be a fun piece to dive into. Hopefully something resonated with you in some way. I know for me the time I spent with myself helped me immensely in “being my own person” I was able to think freely and start up a dialogue that I wasn’t able to have with others… this sort of reconciliation with the self and the world around me has given me the courage to write, to listen, and to seek.

thank you

-pearl