“To deny ones impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human”
I don’t know about you but it is very tempting to want to belong. Humans as a species thrive off companionship as a means of security, and I think in a lot of ways having a partner, or a group, or a collective entity of sorts solidify our mortality. This dynamic is reaffirming to our place in the world. I would even go as far to suggest that the greatest feeling a naturally social creature can experience, isn’t that of sexual gratification or other hedonistic exploits. It is about that feeling of certainty, that external justification of one’s existence. . .
Since we live in a world full of relation and connectivity, this sort of connection that we hold with others or even to an idea, offers a safeguard to the insecurity that we all share. That death is imminent and to live, is to belong to something, brownie points if you belong to someone else.
So, what if you choose differently? What if a circumstance has prevented you from making those connections? From personal experience, the backlash is unutterably unavoidable. You either feel ostracized in group functions or you are inadvertently criticized by the people around you. However, what I’d like to assume is that their reaction is not a direct response to your lack of, but a reactionary turn to their own fears of being alone.
Confronting the existential dread of being a l o n e can be a daunting experience for some, especially when that need for connection is such an integral part in being human.
So in this guide I’ll give you some insight in how I went about dealing with this mess. As a disclaimer, the guide is not at all a ‘f*ck society”type of thing, but more about being content with yourself, and channeling your energy to find solace in solitude.
UNPLUGGING
When I decided to delete my social media I was at the crux of my social anxiety. I never really considered myself to be asocial. Perhaps a bit socially awkward, but in a charmingly endearing way… regardless, around this time, I noticed I became transfixed on how people perceived me to be. I would actually care about the likes that I got and how many followers I had, I tried to emulate the “insta baddies” that I had seen, and would be disappointed by the results I delivered. It was a very nasty cycle which often wasn’t as discernible as I’m making it out to be now. These feelings were subtle, but they built up, and slowly chipped at my self-esteem and time. Until finally I asked myself, “who am I trying to impress and why am I following all these people who offer no real benefit to my life” When I took myself away from that platform, and observed it objectively, apps like Instagram and Snapchat seemed absurd. It felt like one of those pursuits that were never-ending; all the while fleeting in it’s wake. The reward was like a bump of coke. The experience was like having road-rage during rush hour, but replace rage with feelings of inadequacy. And even more, it aggravated me how my friends were able to take time to curate their posts and not answer my calls when I tried to catch up. You see, social media is a teenage norm and skill set people are required to have, if you don’t show a picture of your face, food, ass, or meme you basically won’t be in the loop.
ADJUSTING
One of the perks of social media is the ability for information to spread. Part of me felt like I was maybe missing out on something. But more often then not, the people I cared for and who cared for me, ended up debriefing their life’s and the things they found interesting in person. Even still, I’ve missed out on some events, so a good thing to note is to have a person let you know whats going on, (usually they are advocates of the event so they would be glad to spread the word) perhaps this lack of knowing gives you good motive to find out for yourself, increasing your likelihood to search for opportunities and to take risks.
ADAPTING
My anxiety was only perpetuated when I used my phone as a scapegoat for my problems. When I took the bus, or was in a social situation that I didn’t want to be in, I chose to look down at my phone. I’m sure the reader has experienced this sort of awkward circumstance. Maybe not out of avoidance but in place to just take up time. It was clear that the phone wasn’t the inherent problem, but it was my inability to embrace the tension that I had conjured in my mind. I must look so weird just staring off doing nothing. waiting for the thing to happen, let me look busy. I’m a firm believer in embracing traits that speak to the human condition, rather then to deny or muttle them in anyway. So in order for me to get over being judged that I was alone, I embraced it. Now when get on a bus, I don’t hold the inclination to reach for my phone.
INTROSPECTION
The process of introspection involves looking into ones’ self and examining ones’ actions. We look for constant validation through the work that we do and the people we interact with. Even if our efforts do not constitute as tangible framework for exchange. The identity that we cling to seems to be a statement within itself, a statement to the world, that we yearn for people to accept. In short, it is a mind thing, if you master your mind you’ll be master of your fate and the world around you. I will get into this concept in a later blog..
REDIRECTING
In just being with yourself, you’ll notice that you have a substantial amount of time on your hands, hopefully even a little more mental space. Lonerism in no way implies shutting yourself out from the world and becoming a cyclical hermit. At most, this endeavor would make you more of a social recluse. Because instead of caring what others thought, you’ll redirect that energy and put it into how you conduct your own life on your terms. I guess you could say it’s about priorities. From personal experience, even though the priority is about me, I try to be too self-indulgent and focus on how I could make a difference within my community and to my personal intellect. Those are my priorities, but yours could be anything from animal activism, to helping out family without expectation of reward. Having your hobbies less about you and more about how you could contribute to a process. This pursuit has led me to so many opportunities and actually has helped me find my interests outside of a traditionally social framework. I’ve found that by doing this, depth and complexity has been added to my life in a way I couldn’t have gotten with the expense of another person.
TO SUM UP
I think Kelly Clarkson said it best when she said “it doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone”
I have never written a guide to anything, neither do I feel that much qualified to tell you how to live and conduct your life. I simply pose my interpretation on things and thought it would be a fun piece to dive into. Hopefully something resonated with you in some way. I know for me the time I spent with myself helped me immensely in “being my own person” I was able to think freely and start up a dialogue that I wasn’t able to have with others… this sort of reconciliation with the self and the world around me has given me the courage to write, to listen, and to seek.
thank you
-pearl